September 2007 Interview With a Presidential Candidate

In light of the upcoming run for the President, we’ll be featuring fictional stories depicting live interviews with the various candidates running for President. These stories are fictional and any resemblance to reality is purely intentional and used for theatrical purposes.

Now onto this month’s interview with a Presidential candidate.

September 2007 Interview With a Candidate

Argentsia: The interviewer today is yours truly, Argentsia Jones, and today’s Presidential candidate interviewee is none other than Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. First off, thank you Senator Clinton for agreeing to conduct this interview for politicians stink!
Senator Clinton: Argentsia, please do not call me Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’ve dropped the Rodham and I am going by Senator Hillary Clinton during my Presidential run.

Argentsia: If you don’t mind me asking, why the decision to drop the Rodham from your name?
Senator Clinton: I’m trying to look more centrist on my political views to appease those dolts out there in rural America that still believe in the old worn out values of yesteryear. I don’t want them to associate me with my true values and beliefs right now. My handlers all agreed that dropping the Rodham was a good way to start distancing myself from the fanatics in N.O.W. (the National Organization of Women).

Argentsia: I’m sure the audience is amazed at the brutal honesty and directness of Senator Clinton’s response to my first question. Let me explain. The reason for the blunt answer is that Senator Clinton has agreed to conduct this interview under the affects of sodium pentathol, truth serum, and a lie detector test. As a matter of fact, all of the Presidential candidates we’ll be interviewing in the future have agreed to the same. It is the only way we here at politicians stink felt that we could get to the real truth. Now back to Senator Clinton. Senator let’s talk a little about your husband, former President Bill Clinton…
Senator Clinton: That philandering, wandering-eye, manipulative, weasel….

Argentsia: Now, now Senator Clinton, please let me ask my question.
Senator Clinton: Okay, go on.

Argentsia: Now, during your husband’s administration, you took a major part in the health care reform attempt, which ran aground. What did you learn from that series of events?
Senator Clinton: That when you want to change something, you are better off doing it in small steps with confusing laws and support from your liberal supporters in the Judicial system. I won’t make the same mistakes when I’m President. We’ll get our changes for the healthcare system through, even though it may take 8 years to complete the process.

Argentsia: Is it your intention to go to a completely government run health care system?
Senator Clinton: Yes.

Argentsia: But Senator Clinton, all of the true studies of health care systems in countries where it is completely run by the government show that the health care systems are inefficient, financially costly, non-patient responsive and deliver inadequate care and treatment. All of the studies show that the first thing to decline is the number of available hospital beds for the seriously ill. All the studies point out that those with serious illnesses requiring major surgery must go onto a waiting list based on priorities. The ultimate result is a beauracratically bloated and inferior system. Do you dispute any of what I have said about the other state run healthcare systems?
Senator Clinton: No.

Argentsia: Do you truly believe that ours (America’s) would be better run and be able to eliminate all of the problems and inefficiencies of the others?
Senator Clinton: No.

Argentsia: Then why would you propose to implement such a plan?
Senator Clinton: Because if anyone is making decisions concerning the population, it should be the government. Every system is inefficient, and if there is going to be deficeincies, the government should be the one to decide where they are and who suffers. And the secondary benefit it that it will cause much, much more of the population to be dependant on the government further solidifying the power base of the Democratic Party.

Argentsia: Wow. That is a lot to swallow. Well, I’m on a tight time frame and need to move onto the next area of questions. Senator Clinton, there were quite a number of accusations regarding the integrity of your husband’s administrations while Governor of Arkansas and President of the USA, were those accusations true?
Senator Clinton: Which ones?

Argentsia: Well first lets talk about the Whitewater scandal. Did you or your husband know that Jim McDougal was funneling money from Madison Guaranty into Whitewater Development Corporation?
Senator Clinton: Yes.

Argentsia: Didn’t you think the funneling of money would be found?
Senator Clinton: No. If the savings and loan hadn’t collapsed, none of that would have ever seen the light of day. What was really going on was that Jim (Jim McDougal, President of Madison Guaranty) was shuffling money over to Whitewater Development Corp. to make the company float so that ultimately Bill and I would have a large payoff one day without having to invest what was truly required of a 50% partnership.

Argentsia: Was this a type of political payoff for your husband?
Senator Clinton: Kind of. Jim had worked with us in the past on some things and we had helped him out with some things. So it was a little of this, a little of that, and a favor to some friends as well. It should have never gotten to the level it did. If Jim would’ve run his savings and loan better, everything would have been fine.

Argentsia: Onto your cattle futures tradings. It was calculated by experts in the commodities industry that there was only a 1 in 250 million chance that you could have made the investment decisions and calls that were made in that account to result in its performance. Did you actually make active trading decisions regarding the futures and have it ultimately result in turning a $1,000.00 investment into $100,000.00 in only 10 months?
Senator Clinton: No.

Argentsia: What do you mean no? Was this a political payoff?
Senator Clinton: Of course it was. People that have been trading in castle futures and are experts in the commodities industry couldn’t do what was done with that account. If an expert couldn’t do that over the same time frame, how in the heck does anyone expect I could?

Argentsia: Well what then was actually done to make it appear as that was done?
Senator Clinton: There were two accounts being run simultaneously. One for one position, the other the opposite call for each trade. So there was always one account that won the day and produced a profit. The string of profitable and lost calls were “re-worked” through the broker’s records so that all of the winners were in my account, while all of the loser trades were moved over to another “working” account and swallowed by a benefactor. Thus it appeared that I made some brilliant trading moves unseen before or after my short stint in futures trading.

Argentsia: Jeez, the answers and what we are finding out in this interview are amazing, and disconcerting. I would like to dig more but I must move on as my time is short. What was the real reason behind Filegate (where the Clinton Whitehouse staff obtained FBI files and records on many of their political enemies)?
Senator Clinton: Oh, we were getting dirt on all of our political enemies, and friends too. We needed the information so we could use it to keep control over them and shut them up. You just never know when you’re going to need to talk someone into keeping quiet.

Argentsia: Oh my god! So it is true? You actually used the information to coerce people into being more cooperative?
Senator Clinton: Lets say persuade. And, we didn’t have to use any of the info; we just had to begin a dialogue where we would threaten that the less than flattering information might come out. Why else would we need all of those FBI files? You can get good background information pretty much anywhere these days, but real good dirt is hard to come by.

Argentsia: But, the press, why didn’t the press go harder after this story?
Senator Clinton: Come on now be reasonable. Every rational person understands that we control a good bit of the major media. We’re a team and these folks want to see us succeed. Why else would they give us continued free passes on extremely controversial issues time after time?

Argentsia: What about Pardongate? Were the Pardons your husband did towards the end of his administration dirty?
Senator Clinton: What do you mean dirty?

Argentsia: Were they done to return political favors or for raising money?
Senator Clinton: Some were, and some weren’t. We tried to paint a broad brush to confuse people with the number and breadth of the pardons, and in spite of those efforts and the press being on our side, there was still some fallout.

Argentsia: How many of the pardons were bought and paid for?
Senator Clinton: I really don’t remember the actual number, but there were quite a few. It was a huge fundraiser for us.

Argentsia: And I guess the press laid off because…?
Senator Clinton: We asked them to.

Argentsia: While we’re on the subject of political fundraising, let’s talk about the Chicoms (Chinese communists) …
Senator Clinton: Old friends willing to help out a friend …

Argentsia: So, you are saying that you are well acquainted with these folks?
Senator Clinton: Oh yes. We’ve worked with them for years.

Argentsia: Did they help bankroll your husband and are they now aiding your Presidential bid?
Senator Clinton: Yes and Yes.

Argentsia: Is Norman Hsu a front man for the Chicoms?
Senator Clinton: Absolutely. We need someone to help in re-routing the money and clean it up.

Argentsia: But, Senator Clinton, Norman Hsu was caught!
Senator Clinton: Yes, we lost that one and $850,000, but the others are still good.

Argentsia: Others? Do you mean to tell us that there are other front men for the Chicoms to “clean up” money for your Presidential run?
Senator Clinton: Do you think we would funnel all of the money through one source? We know what we’re doing.

Argentsia: Exactly how many are there?
Senator Clinton: I’m not sure. Other people in our campaign see to the details.

Argentsia: Were Johny Wong and Charlie Tre the front men for the Chinese money for your husband’s campaigns as others have thought?
Senator Clinton: Yes.

Argentsia: Why have the Chicoms been so generous with the donations?
Senator Clinton: We just helped them out on a few occasions and they are very generous. All we did was help speed up the process for them to obtain certain technologies from us.

Argentsia: When you say you helped them out, do you mean you and your husband’s people helped them to illegally obtain our highly protected missile guidance and nuclear technology?
Senator Clinton: Well…yes, but I wouldn’t put it like that.

Argentsia: But Senator Clinton that information should have never been given to a foreign power. How can you justify the transference of it?
Senator Clinton: Oh come on. They would have developed it or stolen it some other way eventually. We might as well make some friends and raise some money along the way rather than let the opportunity be lost. Besides, we believe that no country should have a technological military advantage over any other, including our own. It’s for the good of the world. A good equal balance in technology means no big bully.

Argentsia: But Senator Clinton, your job as President is not to worry about the good of the world, just the good of the United States, and when technology is equal the advantage goes to the country with the largest military (the most soldiers to employ and potentially lose). Hands down that advantage goes to China. If they possess the same technology as ours, they will have a huge military advantage. You and your husband aided a huge potential enemy.
Senator Clinton: Oh, they will never attack us. They are a peace-loving people. No, we did the smart thing.

Argentsia: How can you call them peace loving when they killed thousands of their citizens in the Tiananmen Square riot, and threaten to invade Taiwan monthly?
Senator Clinton: Well the Square incident was unfortunate, but Taiwan is a different story. They just want their country to be whole again. I mean come on, can’t you see that.

Argentsia: No, Senator Clinton I cannot. Furthermore, the Chinese have been shown to be involved in a lot of underhanded activities including terrorist organizations throughout the world and they are ruthless.
Senator Clinton: I’m sure that we can deal with them.

Argentsia: I’d like to explore this more, but I’ve been told its time to move on. What we’re learning here today is extremely disturbing………you had mentioned earlier that your husband was a philanderer. That leads me to believe that you knew about his affairs and let them go on. Is that true?
Senator Clinton: No.

Argentsia: No what?
Senator Clinton: No I did not knowingly let them go on.

Argentsia: You did know about them?
Senator Clinton: Yes, who didn’t? Its not like he was discreet or anything. When you go around flashing people that is not considered discreet. Any of the folks around the Governor’s office or Oval office knew what was going on.

Argentsia: Why didn’t you do anything about it?
Senator Clinton: Exactly what could I have done? Any major action would have killed his political power and position, which I needed to ultimately launch my own political career. Taking him out would have taken me out.

Argentsia: So, it was simply a political strategy to stay married and weather the storms?
Senator Clinton: Yes.

Argentsia: You knew about Monica Lewinsky?
Senator Clinton: Yes, like I said before whom in the Oval office didn’t know about his indiscretions? I mean did we know 100% for sure what was going on? No. Was there a heck of a lot of smoke? Yes.

Argentsia: So taking up support for your husband and then later on acting like the wounded spouse was purely an act?
Senator Clinton: Yes. I was doing everything I could to save my husband’s and my political future. I’m confident that America is not ready to elect a divorced woman to the office of President.

Argentsia: They tell me that I’m almost out of time so I have one last question. Aren’t you worried about all of these scandals coming back out and hurting your Presidential run?
Senator Clinton: I’m not too worried. It won’t really be in the major media. Those folks are on our side. History proves that. Talk radio might dredge it all back up, but thankfully, the average American citizen is just not very bright. If it’s not on TV or in the newspaper, they’re not going to believe it. So as long as we keep it off of television, I’ll be fine.

Argentsia: Well that’s it folks. We’ve run out of time. Well, Senator Clinton let me thank you for your agreeing to do this interview. Also, let me tell you that you and your husband disgust me.
Senator Clinton: It wasn’t a pleasure and I will never do anything like this again you little insignificant troll. How dare you ask me all of those questions?

Argentsia: But you agreed to the conditions and so I believed that everything was on the table.
Senator Clinton: It shouldn’t have been. I’d better not have any trouble out of this, or…

Argentsia: Senator Clinton you said that you weren’t really worried.
Senator Clinton: I’m not. I just don’t like stirring up old garbage. You really can’t be certain of what will come out of it. You’d better hope that this doesn’t amount to anything or...

Argentsia: Are you threatening me?
Senator Clinton: Yes!
(Senator Clinton then threw a punch at Argentsia, but like a true gentleman, he just turned his back and walked away).

Well there you have it folks. Our first Interview With A Candidate, and it was certainly an eye-opener. We wonder just how anyone in his or her right mind could vote for Senator Clinton. And, let’s hope there isn’t an FBI file on Argentsia Jones or he could be in some trouble folks.

Stay tuned to this site for more upcoming interviews with Presidential hopefuls.

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